


The Book

by Letitbe1250



Category: Outlander (TV) RPF
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-27
Updated: 2020-09-27
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:16:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,572
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26681263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Letitbe1250/pseuds/Letitbe1250
Summary: Cait and Sam referenced on twitter that Sam was sending her a copy of his Clanlands book.This is an idea about what her receiving that book might have looked like. What did Sam write to her in her copy and what did her husband think about it? It's pretty angsty and might have a second chapter one day.
Relationships: Caitriona Balfe/Sam Heughan
Kudos: 102





	The Book

**Author's Note:**

> This is completely fake, not based on any fact whatsoever. I've never written about real people before but this idea just came to me out of nowhere and I couldn't get it out of my head. I wrote it in one sitting and then shared with people who asked me to post it on here. There are a lot of different levels of "shippers" in this fandom and let's not assume we know what level any other person is. I wrote this for purely writing purposes, I do not think any of this is what really happened in real life. haha. 
> 
> If you are not a fan of RPF, please do not read. You will not enjoy. :)

“Caitriona.”

She was sitting in her makeshift office. It doubled as the broiler’s room and Eddie’s bathroom but currently she was curled up in a small padded chair she had bought specifically to read in. She had one leg strewn haphazardly over the arm of the chair and was worrying her bottom lip with her teeth as she focused on her book.

“Caitriona.” He said again, walking further into the room.

She looked up to see Tony standing in the doorway, a small parcel in his hands. “What is it?”

“Mail…for you.” He set the package down on the table near her and she smiled at him as her form of a thank you. She turned her head back to her book but a moment later, she realized he was still standing there.

She looked back up at him and raised an eyebrow in question.

“Why is he sending you packages?” He always cut straight to the point. It’s one of the things she liked about him when they had first started dating. No games, no ifs or whens, everything right there in the open. Uncomplicated. 

She swallowed, “Who?” She didn’t need to ask, she knew exactly who he was talking about.

He knew her better than that and just looked at her as his own way of answering.

Deciding to play coy, she casually put down her book and rose from her chair to inspect the package in question. Noting the familiar return address, she turned back to face Tony.

“I told you about the book he was writing with Graham. They wanted to send me a copy.” She tossed her response to him, hoping that she sounded as nonchalant as she was trying to be.

“They?”

She sighed, feeling the small ball of frustration beginning in her stomach, “Yes. They. They are both my friends.”

“Of course, right, so I’m sure it has been signed just for you by _both_ of them, then?”

“I don’t know, I haven’t exactly opened it yet.” Caitriona answered, her voice edged with irritation.

He nodded, seeing her frustration growing and decided to leave it…for now. He let out a sigh as he turned away from her and walked out of the room.

Caitriona let out a breath as soon as he was far enough away that she could no longer hear his footsteps. She closed her eyes for a brief moment of gratitude that a fight had not grown from that conversation. She knew him well enough to know that he probably will not have let it go completely, but at least for now she was clear of an argument.

She turned to look at the package again. She was almost positive it was the Clanlands book. He said he was sending her a copy from the very day they decided to write it. Now it was completely done and even though he had sent her pictures of the cover over a month ago, she couldn’t believe it was already here.

Reaching out, she grabbed it off the table and sat back down in the chair, feeling the weight of the book in her hands. It felt similar to the weight in her shoulders from the way Tony had been looking at her only a moment ago.

She carefully unwrapped the brown paper and there he was. The very first sliver of the book that was revealed through the paper was his face, staring straight at her. She was struck with an overwhelming feeling when she realized that he almost looked foreign to her. After spending over 6 years seeing each other almost every single day, all day, the fact that they had only seen each other once in the last six months made seeing his face in front of her now almost jarring.

As soon as he had been able to fly home, he had reached out to her. He texted her from the airport, all but demanding to see her and they met at a park that afternoon. Looking at him standing on the cover in a kilt and turtleneck, she thought back to that afternoon, imagining how much more casual he had looked that day.

_It was technically summer but it was chilly enough in Glascow for a sweater, so of course, that’s what she was wearing. She paired a cream-colored knit sweater with her favorite black stretchy pants and some black boots to make her favorite type of ensemble – comfortable as hell. She never felt the need to dress to impress when going to see him._

_She walked down the sidewalk and bought a coffee at the little cart by the park entrance. She was wearing a mask, per the pandemic orders, but lowered it periodically to take sips of the warm liquid. She hadn’t asked where to meet him, she hadn’t needed to._

_As she walked around the first curve of the path, she saw him sitting on the bench. Their bench. She paused her steps as she took him in. How many months had it been? Far too many. It felt almost awkward to go so long without seeing him and now to see him. She pondered briefly whether or not he would actually want to stay socially distanced from her. It seemed silly to wonder this when she knew he would absolutely not be able to do that._

_The next five seconds proved that assessment. He turned and when he saw her, he leapt from the bench. He practically jogged to her, his large arms stretched wide beside him and his eyes shining brightly. She knew that his mouth under his mask was also smiling just as bright._

_“Sassenach!” He laughed at his use of her tv nickname and she did, too, feeling the awkward nervousness falling away almost immediately at the sound of his voice. “Sam.” She breathed, his name a whisper against the inside of her mask._

_If any nerves were left, they dissipated in the next second as he wrapped her up in his strong arms and squeezed tight enough to crush a few of her bones. She didn’t mind at all. She laughed as his limbs tightened around her, pushing most of the air from her lungs. She squeezed him back, her arms pressing flat to his back. It was just chilly enough that she felt it was acceptable to bury her nose into his chest and so that’s exactly what she did._

_The past few months had been so unbelievably upsetting and hard and scary and she really just needed this moment of peace and assurance. She breathed in deeply, her arms tightening around him. He tightened his arms in response and the next thing she knew, he had lifted her from the ground and her feet dangled in the air as he held her._

_He put her down a moment later and readjusted his hold on her, one arm holding her head gently to his chest. She felt him move his head down, his nose in her hair, he breathed in._

_She stepped out of his arms quickly and without warning._

_He looked slightly guilty at being caught inhaling the top of her head, but she didn’t want things to get uncomfortable._

_She reached a hand up and pulled his mask down to reveal the bottom half of his face and said, “Hey, stranger.”_

_He flashed her his best smile and then his face got serious. He repeated her actions, only much slower. His hand reached cautiously up to her face and he took hold of her mask and tugged it down slowly. Her slender nose, followed by her plump lips, were exposed to the air as he pulled her mask down and the way his eyes took her face in made her lips part slightly on instinct. They took a step closer to each other without even realizing it._

_Sam breathed out, “There you are.” His eyes bore burning holes into the skin of her face and she let out a sigh. They moved together and sat down on the bench._

Caitriona noticed suddenly that she was still staring at Sam on the cover. She didn’t need to continue that particular flashback anyway. What followed was a lot of sad talk about the crumbling of the world followed by more sad talk about the crumbling of…well, them. They tried not to talk about it a lot, but once they were in a deep conversation, it always seemed to come back up to the surface.

She continued opening the paper until the whole book was released from its confines and she held it carefully in her hands. She was scared to open it. Scared there would be a handwritten note from Sam inside the cover. Scared that there wouldn’t be.

She opened the front cover. A blank page. She turned the blank page and found another blank page. Breathing out, she turned again. There it was.

The dedication page.

_I would like to dedicate this book to my beautiful and loving family._

  * _Graham_



_I would like to dedicate this book to my beautiful and loving family. And to Scotland!_

_And to her._

  * _Sam_



She wasn’t sure how long she stopped breathing. But she had definitely stopped. “And to her.” The breath rushed completely from her lungs. She willed herself to chill out. It probably didn’t even mean her. Did it?

Quickly, she turned the page, wanting to not see that line anymore. But then she turned back, read it again, and then flipped the page once again. She flipped through the title pages and publishing pages quickly, barely registering what she was seeing. She didn’t have time to read the entire thing at that very moment, but she flipped through the pages, catching glimpses of Sam and Graham in silly photos in front of various landmarks and mountains. With no real reason why, she flipped to the back of the book. There, written in his recognizable scrawl, on the inside of the back cover:

_C-_

_Well, it is done. You said, many MANY times, that we would never be able to stop dicking around long enough to write a book and so I sent you your own personal copy to make sure you feel like proper shite about doubting us._ _😊 Jokes aside, I don’t know if I could have done this without your support. After I met you, I started to believe that I could do anything I set my mind to. Whiskey venture, producing, writing a book. All of it, I could do because I knew you would help me through it. You were the inspiration for the whiskey name, you were the leader of our journey to becoming producers, and you were what I thought of everywhere we went during our Clanlands adventures. I know you are probably about ready to gag now at all this, so I’ll stop. For your sake. And for mine when you message me about being an arse going on about my feelings._

_I hope you don’t mind the dedication. Everything I do is for you, so I figured I might as well put it down in writing._

_Always,_

_-S_

_p.s. page 41_

Caitriona finished reading and realized that she was smiling largely. She couldn’t help but feel a great sense of pride wash over her at Sam’s accomplishment. He really had, they both had, accomplished so much and come so far in the years since they had met. She read through the whole message probably four times, stopping each time at the words, “You were what I thought of everywhere” and then again at the last sentence of the note. She re-read those lines again and traced them lightly with her index finger to be sure they were really there.

He really shouldn’t have written those things and she really shouldn’t feel her heart racing at them, but in the end, they both knew these things already. It was never a question of whether or not they loved each other. It was whether or not they should.

Eddie sauntered casually into the room, evidently looking for her mother, because she saw her and went to her. She paced a figure eight around Caitriona’s feet, letting her tail caress her mom’s calves as she rubbed her back against her lovingly.

“Hello, darling.” Cait said reflexively, her attention still on Sam’s words. Page 41, she realized after far too long that she still needed to find out what that was about.

She rifled through the book, her eyes on the bottom corner until she saw 41. Looking up at the page, she gasped. The only thing on the page were two black and white pictures, each taking up half of the page. The top one was a picture of a line of trees in the background and a rolling hill in the foreground. The bottom picture was taken at the same place but facing the other direction: the viewpoint was from the top of an even larger hill and looked out across a giant field, a simple wooden fence in the front.

The place could have been anywhere, it was so ordinary looking. But she knew exactly where it was. She stared at them, memories flashing in her mind of the last, and only time, she had been at that exact spot. She noticed the tiny words under each picture, the details of the photograph itself.

The top photo’s information read: _Photo taken by S. Heughan, 2020, Titled “I Don’t Regret It.”_

The bottom photo’s information read: _Photo taken by S. Heughan, 2020, Titled “Any Of It.”_

She didn’t realize she was crying until she saw a teardrop fall onto the page before her. She blinked in surprise, then took in a deep breath. She stared and stared at the photos, at the titles of the photos, at all of it. She closed her eyes as several more tears fell freely down her face.

Eddie jumped into her lap, her feet standing directly over the book pages as she looked at her mother’s face in concern.

Caitriona smiled and laughed, “I’m fine, Ed.” She used one hand to wipe her face and another to give Eddie some reassuring pats on her furry head. She nuzzled up into her palm and purred gently before looking down at the book below her. She used her nose to boop one of the photos and Cait smiled as she continued to pet her.

“Yes, that’s why I’m crying but it’s okay. Sam took those pictures, you remember Sam, don’t you?” She spoke to Eddie in soft tones, half looking at the wall as she continued to ponder the contents of the book so far. Eddie lost interest when she realized her mom wasn’t crying anymore and pranced away to her litterbox.

Cait sighed and thumbed the photos on the page before closing the book and then her eyes. She leaned her head back in the chair and took a deep breath.

She wasn’t sure if it was a few minutes or a few seconds that passed before she was woken by Tony’s voice, “That dull?”

Her eyes fluttered open and she rolled her neck along the back of the chair to look over at him in the doorway.

He was smiling. It was a forced smile, but at least he was trying.

She gave back what he was trying to give to her and smiled in return, “Eddie was on my lap and purring…I think it helped me to doze off a bit…”

They both turned to look at Eddie, now standing on the windowpane, looking outside. Cait stood and quickly shelved the book amongst a row of other miscellaneous books on the shelf that ran along one side of the wall. She tried to do it as casually as possible, as if she didn’t care about it at all.

“I better go start on dinner.” She reached him in the doorway, leaned up to press a kiss to his cheek, and walked down the hall.

When she got to the kitchen, she picked up her phone from the counter to look for a recipe and saw a text notification from an hour ago.

_Sam: Balfe!_

_Sam: Got the alert that your book was delivered to your flat! You better be nose deep in it and too chuffed to stop reading. That’s the only acceptable reason for you to have not messaged me my thanks yet._ _😝_

She smiled goofily and rolled her eyes.

_Cait: Oi, shut your gob. I got the book._

She exited out of the messaging app, switching over to her notes to start rifling through her saved recipes but Sam responded almost immediately.

_Sam: Shut my gob? Last I recall, you liked my mouth._

_Sam: You got the book! Great! And???_

_Cait: It’s stunning._

_Sam: Yeah, I already said that I know you like my mouth. I wanted to know what you thought of the book, Cait._ _😝_

_Cait: Ok, I’m ignoring you now._

_Sam: Did you see what I wrote you in the back?_

_Cait: I did._

_Sam: Well? Am I an arse for going on about my feelings?_

_Cait: Yes._

_Cait: But I loved it._

_Sam: What I’m hearing is that you love my arse_

_Cait: Wow the one time I’m allowing you to be sentimental and you’re going off about your arse_

_Sam: Ok, ok, sorry. So it wasn’t too much?_

_Cait: Oh, it definitely was too much._

_Sam: Uh oh…Am I in trouble? Has it caused you problems at home?_

_Cait: Not yet but it’s only a matter of time._

_Cait: But for the record, I couldn’t do what I do without you either._

_Sam: Catriona Balfe—president of the feelings club_

_Cait: Oh fuck off._

_Sam: Be careful how you talk to me or I’m gonna screenshot these messages and send them to the whole cast and crew_

_Cait: My reputation!!!!_

_Sam: SOON THEY WILL ALL KNOW WHAT A BIG SOFTIE YOU ARE_

_Cait: I’m deleting your number and I will deny anything you try to say was me._

_Sam: Awwww you’re still going on with the loving words_

_Cait: Bye_

_Sam: WAIT did you see page 41_

_Cait: Yes_

_Sam: And?_

_Cait: And?_

_Sam: You have nothing to say about it?_

_Cait: What do you want me to say?_

_Sam: Do you remember where that is?_

_Cait: Yes, I remember._

_Sam: We got lost after filming on location in Season 1 and we found that hill in the middle of nowhere._

_Cait: I said I remember._

_Sam: Christ, Cait. Is that really all you have to say?_

_Cait: I don’t know what you want from me, Sam._

_Sam: I want you to say that you saw that I went back to the place where we kissed for the first time and that what I named the photographs means something to you._

_Cait: Well I can’t say that._

_Sam: Because its not true?_

_Sam: Or because you can’t admit that it is true?_

_Cait: Both._

_Sam: That’s shite and you know it._

Her phone rang as soon as she read his text. She saw his name and picture pop up on the screen. Her heart hitched ever-so-slightly at his eyes in the picture, focused directly into the lens of the camera and therefore piercing her eyes. She slid the button to answer.

“Stop. I can’t do this with you right now.” She answered without preamble, picking up immediately where their texts had ended.

“You always say that, Cait.” He answered, his voice just as agitated as hers.

“Because you always make me, Sam.” She answered his attitude with matching tone.

“I don’t make you…” He started to say and she interrupted him, “Yes, you do. You—” She started in but he wouldn’t let her interrupt him that easily.

He took his own turn to interrupt her, “I don’t make you do _anything_ , Caitriona.” He spat her name and she cursed herself for the small tingle that flushed through her anytime he said her full name.

“I didn’t make you pick up the phone, did I? I didn’t make you go with me to the hill that day either. I didn’t make you kiss me, or make you fuck me. I didn’t make you tell me that you loved me. And I didn’t make you pretend that you didn’t after everything happened. I didn’t make you marry someone else. In fact, I very clearly remember asking, begging you, not to!”

“Is that really what we’re doing right now?! THIS is what you want to talk about right now?” She was getting angry and her voice rose two levels in volume.

She continued before he had a chance to answer, “You want to talk about things that are ancient history?”

“Are they?” He answered her so quickly that she inhaled sharply at his response.

She took a deep breath and then spoke in a voice as calm as she could muster, “It is ancient history, until you do things like this to bring it back up. The dedication, your note, all of it. What’s the point?”

“What’s the point?!” He practically spat his words in shock. She could hear the break in his voice and knew he was getting emotional. She braced a hand against the kitchen counter to make sure she would not fall into the same hole.

She opened her mouth to speak but Sam continued first, “The _point_ is that I am not over you, I am not over us. And I never will be. I _love you_ , Cait. And I keep telling you that it’s not just going to go away just because you say it is.”

“But I need it to go away!” She answered hastily.

“Well I hate to break it to you, babe, but that’s not how it works! You can’t just turn your feelings for someone off and on! You of all people should know that.”

“What the hell does that mean?” She replied, irritated.

“You know exactly what it means. You can’t just turn a switch on that will make you love him just because it’s easier to love him than me.”

She gripped the counter until her knuckles turned white, her stomach flipped over in her belly. “I _do_ love him, how many times do I have to tell you that?”

“Ok, fine. You love him. But you don’t love him the way you love me. You know you don’t. He was the safe choice, I get that. But it doesn’t mean that just because you chose him that what we have between us is going to go away. You’ve been married, what? A year? Have your feelings for me gone away in that year? Have they gone away since that night when we--”

“Sam, STOP—you’ve crossed a line and you know it.”

“Tell me that you don’t love me.”

“Sam, _please…_ don’t do this to me.”

“Tell. Me.” His voice came from deep within his throat, “That you don’t love me.”

She felt her whole body flush and she suddenly felt like she was going to burst into tears any second. She heard a crash from the other side of the apartment, by her office, and she came back to her senses.

She whispered, aware that Tony might be walking this way now, “I can’t do this with you. I have to go.”

“Don’t hang up on me, Cait. You always just run away when you are scared!”

“I do not!”

“Yes, you do and now you’re avoiding answering me. You’re avoiding saying that you don’t love me and we both know why!”

“I’m hanging up.” She was speaking with venom dripping from her voice.

“Stop avoiding talking to me! If you hang up on me again, I swear to god I will come to your front door.”

“Don’t you _fucking dare_ , Sam.”  
  


“I will.”

“ _Fuck you._ ”

“Cait—”

She hung up and threw her phone down onto the counter. She pushed both of her forearms onto the counter and leaned her face down on them, closing her eyes. She let tears spill out onto the surface for a few minutes while she tried to calm her breathing. He was right, she couldn’t tell him that she didn’t love him, because she did. She absolutely loved him with every cell in her body. She loved him so much and that was why she had to continue not talking to him about it. It would ruin everything. It would ruin the carefully curated plan that they had all been working on for years now. She cried for the 1,000th time about what they had to give up to continue living the lives they wanted. The lives they needed.

After a while, she calmed enough to stand up again and crossed the room to retrieve some tissues. She wiped her face and popped into the guest bathroom closest to her to splash water on her face and check to see if her eyes were puffy.

Refusing to pick her phone up again, she decided they would just have something she didn’t need a recipe for. She made her way around the apartment to find her husband and ask his opinion on that plan.

Walking finally to the office, the last place she thought to look, he was sitting in the chair she had vacated when she left. His hands were pressed together and he was leaning over, his elbows resting on his knees. He was staring intensely at the other side of the room and did not acknowledge her presence.

She followed his gaze to see the Clanlands book in a messy heap on the floor across the room. It was up in a triangle shape, some of the pages facing one way and some the other. The crash, she had heard, was clearly the sound of the book being thrown from where Tony now sat.

“T…” She said quietly as she took a small step into the room.

“Was that him?” He said, his voice sounded harsh in the small room. “I could hear you talking to someone on the phone. Was it him?” He still didn’t look at her.

She glanced quickly at the book and then back to him, “Yes.”

“How long have you been fucking him?” He spat his words, dripping with bitterness. But his face stayed strangely calm.

She opened her mouth, shocked. He looked over at her and she found words again, “I’m not sleeping with Sam.”

He laughed, “Don’t lie to me.”

She frowned, angrily, “I am not lying!” He was shaking his head, he didn’t believe her. “Christ, Tony, I can’t keep having this same fight with you! Every couple of months, we come back around to this.”

He frowned back at her, “You think I want to be having this conversation? I admit that I might bring it up sometimes unnecesarily but come on, Balfe. I think I have reason to question what’s going on between the two of you.” He gestured towards the book.

She sighed, wanting to still be angry but not sure if she had any right to be, “I mean, you know about our past, but that’s all it is. In the past.”

“Didn’t read that way to me.” He flicked a hand towards the book. It lay there, looking sad at its odd angle.

She licked her lips, glancing once more at the book and then back to him, “It _is,_ it’s—nothing is...going on…” She stumbled to find words as he rose slowly and walked over to the book. He bent down, picked it up, and flipped to a page. He walked it over to her, held it out for her to take it in her hands. She did.

“Tell me about page 41.” He tapped his index finger on the page in question, open below her.

Her eyes widened and her pulsed hastened as she realized that he had obviously found and read Sam’s message to her. Thinking back, it seemed obvious from when she first walked in the room and saw the book on the floor. But pointing it out to her made the realization actually sink in.

Her voice shook, “What?”

“Most of what he wrote was pretty self-explanatory I feel like.”

A feeling of unease brushed through as she thought more and more of what he had read in Sam’s note _. “I thought of you everywhere”…“Everything I do is for you”._ She felt dizzy as he continued his thought.

“But there was one part he didn’t explain. Page 41. So, tell me about it.”

“What do you want to know?” Her voice was shaking more now, she swallowed twice but it didn’t help.

He spoke so calmly it was unnerving, “Why did he point that page out to you specifically?”

“I, I don’t know.”

“You’re lying.”

She shook her head frantically, “No…no.”

She was getting frazzled and it was obvious as she fumbled with her words, “I didn’t mean ‘I don’t know’ as in ‘I don’t know’. I meant it more like, ‘I don’t know how to answer you’”. She was rambling, she shook her head as she tried to explain the chaos in her mind.

“Try me.” He spoke simply, his face stoic before he returned to the chair, leaving her standing in front of him holding the book, awkwardly.

Strangely, she was overcome with memories of being a child forced to stand in front of the class. She felt nervous and she didn’t know if it was more from the memory or from her current situation.

“Well…um.” She looked down at the page again, desperately trying to think of what to say.

He saw her flustering and offered, “I saw the titles, very touching.” He said, bitterness cascading from him. “What about the pictures? What meaning do they have to you?”

Her mind was reeling, reaching out for any words to send down to her mouth, but couldn’t find any. That place was extremely special to her. During the time that she and Sam had been together, she had looked back on that day as the day she had realized she could fall for Sam. They had spent an entire day there, flirting, talking, kissing…it held a special secret place in her heart. She didn’t want to share that place with anyone, except Sam.

Tony saw her hesitation and when he realized she wasn’t going to give him anything, he spoke again. “Is that where the two of you go and meet behind my back?”

She huffed, “I told you, that was in the past. This—” She gestured down to the pictures, “This was a place from our past.”

“Your past?”

“Yes.” She said, nodding her head, hoping to convince him.

“Then why is he bringing it up now?”

She sighed, “I don’t know.”

“No, honestly, why?”

“Honestly, I don’t know.” She answered him but could feel irritation rising again. Why were the men in her life so intent on making her answer the same questions again and again.

“What he wrote—it reads very present-tense.” He said, still not satisfied with her answers.

“Well, it’s not. I’ve told you that.”

He looked her directly in the eyes, his gaze unwavering and fierce, “Well it wouldn’t be the first time you’ve been sleeping with both of us at the same time.”

It was her turn to throw the book. That’s what she felt like doing. But she didn’t.

“We’ve had this fight, Tony. Many times over. You knew I was still…tangled up with him when we first started dating. But that was a long time ago.”

“So you never slept with him after we were married?” He asked her, his voice echoing in her ears.

She felt her whole body flush with warmth and hoped to god her cheeks weren’t turning red.

“I—” Her mouth opened and closed as she tried to stay upright. She felt desperately like she might fall over. The room felt like it was closing in on her, her lungs doing the same inside of her chest.

He nodded, solemnly, and looked deep into her eyes. Confirmation. He looked down at the floor and she could see that his eyes were wet.

“When?” He spoke quietly, still looking at the floor.

She gulped. She didn’t know when but at some point she had closed the book and now she held it tightly to her chest, gripping it in order to help her stay on her feet.

He looked back up to her, “When?” He asked again and this time he watched as she swallowed thickly.

She felt like her throat was closing, she couldn’t speak.

He aided her thought process, “How long after we were married did you have sex with him?”

She could feel her fingers getting lines in them from holding the hard covers of the book so harshly. She swallowed again, trying to find her voice.

“Three days.” Her voice croaked but she didn’t look away from him. She saw the information hit his brain because his face contracted at the same moment. She was hurting him, she didn’t want to, but she was.

He swallowed, this time his throat was the one caught on his emotions, “Three days…” He repeated, his voice sounding astounded. He stood abruptly and began pacing despite how small the room was.

“Is that why we couldn’t go on a honeymoon? Because you couldn’t stand to go that long without him?”

She shook her head, frowning, “No…no, no, it was the schedule for work. I didn’t—we didn’t—I didn’t know that was going to happen. I didn’t _mean_ for it to happen.” She stepped towards him and tried to put a hand on his arm.

He brushed her off and started walking back the other direction, “Oh, you accidentally fell in to bed with someone else three days after our wedding, is that it?!” His voice was rising, anger rolling off of him. “Fucking hell, Caitriona.”

She felt like she was going to throw up. She didn’t ever want to hurt him like this. Her head was spinning, “It—it didn’t mean anything.”

He laughed abrasively, “Oh, Jesus, just stop. That’s just what people say when they’ve been caught fucking someone else.”

He pointed at her and she flinched slightly as he continued yelling, “Of course it meant something! How could it not have meant something?! Don’t act like a fool, Caitriona. You are many things, but a fool is not one of them.”

He spat the words at her before walking to leave the room. She tried to stop him by stepping in front of him, her hand on his chest.

“Ok, ok! You’re right, ok? It meant something. I—I have a complicated history with him. I won’t stand here and pretend that I don’t. I do, I know I do. But, it’s over! It’s over.”

He looked down at her, “What did he say to you on the phone tonight?”

She was still trying to keep her mind from exploding, “He—he told me that he still loves me.”

Tony shook his head, laughing at the unbelievability of it all. Still shaking his head, he questioned her some more, “And did you tell him that you still loved him?”

“No! I—I love you, I love _you_.” She shook her head, her hand grasping his shirt as her eyes closed in an effort to stop her tears from falling.

He grabbed her wrist so that she would look at him again, “So you didn’t tell him you loved him. But is that because you don’t? Or because you do, but you knew you couldn’t say it?” He spoke with raw emotion in his voice and she took pause.

She opened her mouth to speak but no matter what she did, she couldn’t answer him. He nodded as he again got the answer he needed in her silence. He gently pushed her hand from him and walked out of the room, down the hall, across the apartment, and out the front door.

Caitriona took in heaving gasping breaths, clutching her hand to her chest as she fell to the floor.

She pressed her forehead to the ground, letting the tears fall freely. Her palms lay flat on the floor, trying desperately to feel like she wasn’t spinning. She was in utter shock that that had just happened. She gasped for breaths, sobbing into the floor. She didn’t know how long she cried but eventually, her eyes stopped producing liquid, they had run dry. She had run dry.

She pressed her cheek to the floor, too tired from crying to move. She noticed Eddie sitting faithfully beside her and wondered how long she had been there. Eddie pressed her nose to Cait’s shoulder, then her hand. She was too tired to pet her companion but she sent a silent prayer of thanks to her cat in her head. At least she wasn’t completely alone.

A moment later, Eddie heard something and bolted from the room. Cait closed her eyes, wishing that more tears could come. She didn’t know what to do and at least figured that if she cried some more, she would be doing something besides laying helpless on the ground. She thought she heard someone calling out her name but she knew she was imagining it.

Well, she thought she was imagining it until a moment later, Eddie pranced into the room again followed by two large shoes attached to two large and long legs.

“Cait?”

His voice. She blinked her eyes, convinced she was dreaming. There was no way he was there right now. No way he was there, saying her name with concern in his voice. No way he was there, caring about her. No way he now standing above her, saying her name again. No way he was now bending down to squat beside her. No way were his large hands now pressing to the floor next to her as he laid parallel to her. No way was his face now coming into her view. No way were his eyes now locking onto hers.

His eyes locked onto hers. He was really there. He ocean eyes staring into hers with a world of worry in them.

“Cait? Can you hear me? What happened?”

She blinked in response.

“Say something, please, you’re scaring me.” He said as he continued to stare at her, his eyes running over her puffy red face.

“Cait, baby, I need you to talk to me so I know that you’re okay.” He sounded really worried now, his eyebrows furling in concern and his old pet name for her coming out without thought. He reached a hand to touch her face, only hesitating for a moment before pressing it onto her cheek with the gentleness of a feather.

She closed her eyes at the feeling and sighed, finally feeling able to breathe again. She opened her eyes again to look at his, “Sam.” She whispered breathily. “You’re here.” She said as a question and a statement.

“I’m here, yes. What happened?” He asked again.

“Don’t leave me.” She croaked out before closing her eyes again.

He stroked her face as she drifted unexpectedly into unconsciousness, her body feeling the full effects of her crying for the past hour. He whispered back to her, “I won’t. I promise.”


End file.
